Here is What I am Going to Do Differently
My Parenting Plan
I am very apprehensive, writing about this. Some of it can be traced back to the superstition of “not talking about a good thing before it happens”. The idea of Jinx, my dear readers, is much harder to get rid of, than any other cultural construct. The main reason though is that whatever I write, according to the wisdom of all first-time parents, is going to blow up in my face. The moment, you hold that baby in your hands, all semblance of your old life goes out of the window and you run on some oxytocin driven highly crazed treadmill on bare minimum sleep. Yet, here I am writing this. The same way I keep buying and reading parenting books or keep watching mama vlogs on YouTube, in the hopes that some of the advice will stick.
1. Realistic Expectations
This is the disclaimer, I am going in it with. What I want, what is possible, and what can go wrong: these are the three aspects I analyze, whenever I set a Goal. When those goals involve another mini-human, these 3 axes work with the ultimate fourth axis of time. Some goals are possible but might need more time, some needs and wants are realistic for only a particular period. And things can go wrong, only eventually to straighten themselves out. Safe to say, patience, consistency, and also a dash of realism that this just might not be possible to do, are the backbone I am basing my parenting on.
2. Sleep, my sweet…
Sleep-deprivation is the biggest monster parents fight against. And yet any step to regulate Infant sleep is mostly met with disapproval. At least in my culture, we counter this problem by calling grandpas and grandmamas, so at least with 4 adults in the household, some amount of consistent sleep can be achieved. And while I deeply appreciate, the way family rallies around to support you in India, I want to teach my son how to fall asleep. I want to give him some tools, other than tiring his eyes and his mind, to push himself to sleep. As someone who struggles with Insomnia, I don’t see sleep teaching as selfish. I see it as a skill that can later be developed further.
He sleeps in his bed, he listens to the same voice every night before being put in his crib, we wait at least 20 mins after the last feed to start the nighttime ritual, and when he wakes up, he gets soothed and patted but not immediately picked up.
The crisp sentences above do not describe the “ifs and buts” associated with this method, but it delivers the gist of it. The first 2 months when usually there is associated cluster feeds at night and no melatonin secretion (the famous sleep hormone); I don’t expect this method to be of much use. But I do see it as a practice for our family in establishing a Before-sleep ritual. And eventually, the interval between those night-feeds will increase. Whenever his brain is ready to connect those sleep cycles, it can. But I won’t be a hindrance to him learning or discovering it by himself, by always providing an external method to push him to sleep.
3. Let’s Eat
It is always a wonder to me, that food and the way we enjoy it differs so much from person to person. Stress-Eating, not eating when under stress, being picky about food, being ready to eat almost everything… why does food mean something different to all of us? Food should mean pleasure to all of us, all the biological functions which are necessary to sustain us as individuals or as species should be fun for us; that makes the most evolutionary sense. And yet our babies seem to reject this hypothesis on a daily basis.
What my baby’s feelings towards food would be, I can’t predict. But I can try to make his discovery of food a fun process. I can be patient and sit and watch him as he sees different colors and flavors of food on his table. Let him see and play with the food all the while getting gently nudged into trying it. His first food came from his mama, settled his hunger, and brought him close to the one human he has known the longest. And while the first food he eats during weaning cannot provide him with any emotional connection, it can at the very least tickle his curiosity. I can’t wait to try baby-led weaning with him and see as he discovers the myriad of flavors we have in our world.
4. Let them be bored
The cuteness overload of a new baby is intoxicating. Every new gesture and every new movement is the most interesting thing for the parents, and we keep stimulating our babies over and over again to elicit a new response. The playtime for babies is also the learning time for them, so indulging in it is an absolute must. But, setting aside a small part of the day when the baby is neither sleeping nor being played with, talked at, or coddled is something I intend to do… the period may not be very big in the beginning. Considering the initial months of their life, when they eat, sleep, and poop on a marvelous frequency. But being bored is most often a creative trigger and is as important as inventive play.
5. What are you saying…
We intend to raise our child multilingual. I and my husband don’t have the same mother tongues and communicate with each other in English. Safe to say, anyway we go about with language introductions would be confusing for him. There are just too many different languages in his immediate surroundings (4 if you add German since we are ex-pats living in Germany). Most data suggests children are capable of learning multiple languages quite proficiently as long as they are introduced before 6 years of age. Initially, we will stick to one person one language system, where both I and my husband speak only in our mother tongue with him, supporting him with as many resources as we can. It’s a method that worked quite well for my husband whose parents also had 2 different mother tongues. The majority language of his surrounding, i. e. German will get organically introduced through friends and Play-School. This approach does have the downside, that the children generally tend to start speaking later than most of their monolingual peers. But I truly believe it’s a worthy price to pay for the emotional and mental development, multilingualism comes with. Eventually, once his relationship with our native languages is established and he seems comfortable listening to them and speaking in them..we can introduce English situationally. That’s still a long long time in the future, and even if we miss the 6-year mark, I am sure we can introduce it early enough, to avoid the frustrations we both faced, learning a new language (German) as an adult.
All this, along with remembering that the identity of being a mother, no matter how fulfilling is not the only one I have, is what I have summarised after reading hoards of parenting books. The shared space of youtube has also allowed parents from all parts of the world to discuss and share their experiences and frustrations. The wonderful part of living in today’s world is the barrier-free access to this community. We don’t need to limit ourselves to the wisdom of our parents and immediate family. We get to cherry-pick what fits us. As intimidating as it is, to imagine being responsible for an entire person and introducing the world to them, I for one am glad this world speaks back to us and fills in the knowledge gap wherever necessary.
